Jessica Crabtree

“A fanatic is always the fellow that is on the opposite side.”

“No nation in the history of the world was ever sitting as pretty. If we want anything, all we have to do is go and buy it on credit. So that leaves us without any economic problems whatsoever, except perhaps some day to have to pay for them.”

“Live your life so that whenever you lose, you’re ahead.”

“A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.”

“Don’t waste too much pity on poor old China; she will be here when some strange race of people will be excavating some of our skyscrapers and wondering what tombs they were.”

“That’s the trouble with our charities, we are always saving somebody away off, when the fellow next to us ain’t eating.”

“You can’t pick up a paper without seeing where the Marines were landed to keep some nation from shooting each other, and if necessary we shoot them to keep them from shooting each other.”

“Hawaii is the only place I know of where they lay flowers on you while you are alive.”

“History ain’t what it is; it’s what some writer wanted it to be.”

“The more ignorant you are, the quicker you fight.”

“Every time the government moved the Indians, they gave them the same treaty: ‘You shall have this land as long as the grass grows and the water flows.’ But finally they settled the whole Indian problem. They put the Indians on land where the grass won’t grow and the water won’t flow!”

“There are only a few original jokes, and most of them are in Congress.”

“You know, horses are smarter than people. You never heard of a horse going broke betting on people.”